Surviving the Terrible Twos

*&@#^%@!!!

That's about how I've felt for the past week and a half, and likely how I will feel for the next year — at 18 months old, Evan is now firmly entrenched in the Terrible Twos.

We went on a family trip to California a few weeks ago and he brought back a little souvenir from Disneyland: Hand-foot-and-mouth disease. My heart broke for little Evan as he stood and screamed to exhaustion. There wasn't a lot we could do, and it was agonizing to know he was so tormented. But luckily the illness passed relatively quickly, and life soon returned to normal. 

... or so we thought.

Apparently he found his voice, and the shrieks are here to stay. So are the fits, the kicking, the wailing, the dropping limply in protest.

Needless to say, it's been a rough time for all of us. Not only is it hard just getting through each tantrum, but the knowledge that this is going to be our lives for an indeterminable amount of time is agony. Most days now I wake up just dreading the hours ahead.

While some days are easier than others, and I know we will gradually learn to navigate through this awful stage, I still am at such a loss.

We have a unique child on our hands. As our pediatrician put it, he has the intellect of a 3-year-old but the emotions of an 18-month-old. So when it comes to dealing with meltdowns, the tactics you would use to work with a 3-year-old are beyond his emotional abilities, but the tactics for an 18-month-old are ineffective.

At this point, we are literally going down the list of advice and ideas for getting through his four-a-day (at least) tantrums. We have gotten excellent advice and there are wonderful theories out there, but one thing still baffles me:

How do you teach a child the "appropriate way" to express anger when, in the grown-up world, there really is no socially-acceptable, appropriate way to express anger?

It's an emotion that is highly frowned upon, and when you express it you are judged and/or feared — and yet we all feel it, and those who repress it are no better off than those who blow their stacks. Do we have him let loose on a punching bag, or do we do the count-to-10 thing and try to dissolve the anger? Is the duke-it-out method encouraging anger, or is the other sweeping his concerns under the rug? Or neither?

Am I just over-thinking it? Are there any of you who have pondered this same issue? How have you dealt with it? What advice do you have?

Blog hoppin'

I'm trying something new today: a blog hop, to find some new awesome blogs and to welcome some more friends back here. Here's how it works:

1. Follow the hostess, Haute Mom and the guest hostesses, Utah Mom Blog and others. Be sure to leave a comment so that I can follow you back.

2. Follow one other blog.

3. Link up your blog for all of us to love.

4. Make an attempt to check out at least two new blogs. Don’t know where to start? How about the two blogs above you? If you love the blog, become a follower and leave them a comment letting them know.

So c'mon, what are you waiting for? Hop aboard! (hahaha I kill me)

Our 5 favorite non-toy toys

I am realizing things are entirely too serious around here. While motherhood is, of course, serious business, it should also be serious fun. Despite appearances, I do try to make every day fun for Evan. The best way to do that, of course, is to play.

Every Sunday, in addition to meal planning and scheduling outings and such, I come up with a list of games and activities to do with Evan for the coming week (I'm a nerd, I know). The goal is to try one new(ish) thing every day. In coming up with these activities I have the help of some great websites (like productiveparenting.com and playathomemom3.blogspot.com) and of course Pinterest, but more often than not I turn to everyday items for inspiration.

By and large, Evan prefers these everyday items to his toys. Therefore, so do I. Not only is it inexpensive (usually, it's free), but it opens the door to so many possibilities. I've read that the less a toy does, the better it is for children because they can fill in the blanks and use their curiosity and creativity to come up with ways to play with that item. It not only keeps their attention longer (bonus for mom!), it literally builds creative pathways in their minds and teaches them to think and explore their world without just taking things at face value.

Evan is still young (he's 18 months), so he's still fascinated by the things in our home, no matter how mundane they seem to me. Here are the top 5 non-toy toys he loves best, plus ideas for ways to explore these items with small children.

Pots and pans

I first pulled out the pots about six months ago with the idea that we'd throw balls into them. At the time, Evan wasn't coordinated enough for that, so we down-shifted to simply banging them together and then with a wooden spoon and metal whisk.

As you can see, it was a hit! We soon found enough ways to play with the pots that they ended up staying out in the living room for two months. He loves to stack them, fill them with toys and carry them around, sit and climb on top, stick magnets to them, and eventually he learned to throw and roll balls into the pots.

On a smaller scale, we've amassed a collection of tin cans he loves to stack, sort, fill, and make noise with. One of these days I'm having my husband help me make a little kid drum kit out of the cans and old pots. Stay tuned for that fun project...

Straws

Straws aren't just for drinking — there are plenty of ways for little fingers to practice fine motor skills and for little minds to get creative with plastic straws. I first made a cheap-o toy for Evan out of an old cottage cheese container by cutting holes in the lid and showing him how to poke straws of various sizes through the holes.

I was surprised at just how much he loved playing with this. It was by far his favorite toy. The play evolved, from finding other things to put in the holes (like toothpicks and suckers) and other objects to put straws in (like a colander and empty spice bottle). He also loves using pipe cleaners for the same purpose, but it's more of a challenge:

(And as a side note, buying those little fuzzy craft balls was the best dollar spent that month. He LOVES 'em, and we spend lots of time scooping them into bowls and trays with measuring spoons, and sorting colors and throwing them like confetti.)

Containers 

This is really a no-brainer. It's like that old joke: You spend $50 on a toy for Christmas and all the kid wants to do is play with the box. With little kids, any container will do. From learning to stack them to building a fort, let 'em go nuts and you'll be quite amused by what they come up with.

One thing that always keeps Evan busy is my drawer of hair products. He loves twisting the lids on and off the empty ones, and finding the right little plastic lid for each bottle takes a lot of concentration. He also loves rifling through the Tupperware, as most kids do, and I help him find the right lids and we stack them like blocks.

As he's gotten older, we've found novel uses for other containers. I have a circular chip-and-dip bowl with an inner cup. It's the perfect size for putting in his squishy baseball and twirling it around until the ball picks up speed and goes flying across the room. That gets him laughing every time. It was also a great container for his older cousins to play ski-ball with. Evan also loves a multi-tiered dessert tray that I got at the thrift store for $2. He puts his little toy animals on the trays and spins them around until they fall off, then he starts again.

And of course, what you put into containers is just as fun as what they do with them. Last summer we'd go into the yard with a bunch of different bowls, cups, and spoons. I'd fill them with water and let him splash away. He loves this so much he tries replicating it whenever my husband leaves the toilet seat up (yikes).

Any radio

My little boy has always been fascinated with how things work. Even as an infant, he was more interested in the mechanical arm of his swing than he was with the mobile. So we go with it and look for mechanical, electrical non-toys that are safe for curious little ones. That's why I was stoked to win an antenna TV/radio/CD player at a white elephant party last Christmas. It is one of Evan's favorite toys, and I don't have to worry about him breaking it because it's just for him.

Thanks to this non-toy, our budding electrical engineer has now figured out how to work the other radios in our home, including my CD alarm clock, the iPod dock speakers, a portable AM/FM radio, and the TV receiver (if we leave the cabinet open). I love the way his eyes light up and he gets a proud look on his face as he turns the radio on, twists the dials and makes music come out. It's worth the aggravation of having the occasional alarm go off in the middle of the night after he's messed with my clock.

Daddy

While moms are fun, daddies are the best at playing — and boy, is Evan lucky. He has a very hands-on dad who starts play time the minute he walks in the door, every day. Evan just can't get enough wrestling, chasing, building, investigating, and yes, even couch potato-ing, watching "The Simpsons" side by side. As much as Evan loves mommy, his daddy is the fun one who always gets him laughing.

A child could have all the toys in the world, but what he'd want most is a parent who makes the time to play.

Recipe: Made-from-scratch Italian sausage bolognese

Tonight I made this:

Into this:

 

Would you like to know how? Look no further: Here is my very own made-from-scratch recipe for Italian sausage bolognese.

Before I begin, something to note: This is not exactly a quick-fix recipe, but it's also not complicated or difficult; it's just a little time-consuming to prep all the ingredients if you're doing it by hand and not using a food processor. If you want quick-fix, open a jar of Prego. If you want something that's fresh, delicious and a little fancy — something you could serve at a dinner party to make yourself look awesome — this is the recipe for you.

One other thing to note: Since this is literally something I made up in my head, I don't have exact amounts for the ingredients — it's a by-taste thing. But this is so easy to make I'm confident that you can do it this way, and then you can say, "Oh, I just threw in a little of this and a little of that" — again, making yourself look awesome.

Mormon Mommy's Italian Sausage Bolognese

Ingredients:

• 1/2 onion
• 1 stalk celery
• 2 carrots
• 1/2 cup mushrooms
• 2 Roma tomatoes
• 2 cloves garlic
• 1 Tbs. olive oil
• 1/2 to 1 lb. Italian sausage
• 1 pint jar tomatoes (or canned tomatoes Italian style)
• Italian spices (oregano, basil, parsley, etc.)
• Dash of sugar
• Salt & pepper

(To make tonight's entire dish, I used penne and a blend of mozzarella and Parmesan cheeses)

1. Chop all the vegetables except for the Roma tomatoes. I used a Cuisinart mini chopper, but you can also do it by hand. I like my veggies a little larger than the size of cooked rice, like this:

2. Chop the Roma tomatoes into chunks, about the size of grapes. Add them to the rest of the vegetables and set aside.

3. Heat the oil in a large skillet (I use a wok) over medium heat. Mince the garlic and add it to the oil, sauteing for about one minute. Do not let it burn.

4. Add the rest of the vegetables and saute, stirring, until they begin to soften and the onion turns yellow.

5. Turn the heat to high and add the sausage. Cook until brown, and drain the grease if necessary. 

6. Add the jar of tomatoes, breaking them into small pieces with the spoon or spatula. Alternatively, you can chop them ahead of time (I also use the mini Cuisinart). Add the spices to taste. Reduce heat to medium and simmer, about 15-20 minutes.

And that's it. The traditional Italian way is to serve it chunky as is, but if you're feeling American and you'd like a smoother sauce, you can put everything back into your food processor for a bit to get the desired consistency, like this:

For tonight's meal, I cooked up some penne and tossed it with the sauce. Then I topped it with cheese and stuck it in the oven to melt (which I left in a bit too long, but it actually was yummy having that little bit of a crunch to it):

The final result: deliciousness:

If you try this, let me know what you think. What's your favorite way to make bolognese?

A "perfect mom"? Ha!

A week ago a lady in the neighborhood gave me quite the compliment. Before I get to that, here's the setup: She is my visiting teacher, and a few days before she had taken Evan and me for some frozen yogurt. I loaded his little "pack-pack" with toys and snacks and got there a bit early so he could wander around and check the place out. Evan was so good, just sitting and playing happily and sampling my ice cream with gusto. When he wasn't so good, I would talk to him, give him a little one-on-one attention, then give him a new distraction. This wasn't any new territory to me; As a full-time mom I take Evan almost everywhere, so I've got him figured out and know what I'm doing by now. Other than the occasional little outburst, he's happy to be out and about 95 percent of the time.

Anyway, this lady stopped by my house last Saturday. She said how much fun she had and was so impressed with how I handled Evan and how I interacted with him. She said I was "the perfect mom."

Wow.

What a compliment, and what a claim to live up to! While I was definitely flattered, I don't think it's possible for anyone to be the perfect anything. Yes, I've got this going out thing figured out, and I work really hard with Evan to help him be patient, happy and secure. But when it comes to motherhood as a whole, I'm just like every other mom: I'm figuring it out as I go along.

Now, I do read a lot of parenting articles and a few books, and I pay attention to other moms and how they handle their kids for good ideas (and for bad ideas to stay away from, too). And, I'm lucky that I get to spend a lot of one-on-one time with Evan, figuring him out day by day. But even if there was a Perfect Motherhood Manual, there's just no way you could follow it and have the perfect child or be the perfect mom. That's because every child is different, every mom is different, and every moment of every day is different. It feels like over half of everything we do is adjusting to the circumstances we're given. What may have worked yesterday or even 15 minutes ago may lead us to a big fat failure now. It's all about adapting to the situation at hand and making the most out of what you've got, even if it's not a lot.

For me, that's what makes this life all the more satisfying. It's hard to take much pride in something that comes easily. It's solving problems and working through trouble spots that makes you feel like you've done something great, because you have — you've conquered something that was insurmountable to you before.

Years ago a friend of mine asked me how I succeed at everything I do. I literally laughed in her face. Everything? Hardly! While I've had my share of big victories, I've had many, many heartbreaking (and embarrassing) losses and failures. I've hit rock bottom more than a few times and been so very lost along the way. But the thing is, I never give up. Call it dogged determination, obsessive drive, or just plain stubbornness — I do NOT give up. I may feel like it, and I may say I'm going to, but I don't. Ever.

That's why I think I'm getting good at this motherhood thing. After every day that makes me want to get in my car and drive into the sunset, ne'er to return, I get up the next day and vow to try again. And I do.

Lest you think I'm putting on false modesty about this "perfect mom" business, let me assure you that I am not. Just yesterday I totally lost my cool, yelled at my kid and left him sitting in his bedroom wailing because he was putting up such a fight and would not let me get him dressed. I was so upset I wanted to punch a hole in the wall. It was not one of my prouder moments, and I don't feel good about it. But I do feel good about the fact that I calmed myself down, went back into his room, apologized, and helped him calm down, too. Then we had a little chat about what we can do to feel better when we're mad or sad. I don't know if he understood, but hopefully one day he will. The point is, I made a mistake, but I didn't give up and leave the situation a mess. I tried again.

So, perfect? Nope! Far from it. Determined? Yes. Obsessively, stubbornly determined. But maybe in the end, the result is the same: a happy child and a proud mommy. Which makes it all worth it.

I'm going to leave you with another visual. It's one I did not create, and of a quote that may be old news now thanks to Pinterest. But it got me through some really tough times 10 years ago and it's still powerful whether you've heard it before or not. Enjoy, and remember.

Image created by gemgoode via deviantart.com

A Motherhood Mantra for those less-than-perfect days

It's ironic that after writing that last post about choosing to be a full-time mom, we've had just about the worst week yet around here. Or maybe it's not ironic at all — it's just a faithful representation of what this lifestyle entails: the best of times, the worst of times, and everything in between.

Nothing too dramatic has happened, which is perhaps what makes this week so infuriating. Evan's got some major allergies and may be teething, which makes him a giant cranky monster. But other than that, there's no "cause" for our foul moods and short fuses, nothing we can point to and say, "When we fix this or when this ends, everything will go back to normal." So, on top of being cranky, we are a left a bit helpless an stranded.

Unfortunately, that's just how it is. It's a very win-some, lose-some life. Some days are filled with laughter and new experiences and those loving, tender moments that remind you that to be a mother is to fulfill your highest purpose. Some days are filled with tears, anger and yearning for the time when no one depended on you for every little thing or clung to your leg with an iron grip, begging for more animal crackers on the verge of an explosive tantrum if those requests are not met. And, oh yes, for those days when you used to be able to pee alone without little hands pounding on the door or wandering in just to see what's going on.

Hence the ol' motherhood cliche: It's so hard, but it's so worth it.

I hate to say it, ladies, but this awful, worn-out cliche is true. It is SO HARD. It makes you want to cry and scream every bit as much as it makes you want to smile. It makes you wish for any life but your own, just like it makes you grateful that heaven smiled upon you the day you were blessed with a child.

But remember what it is you are doing as a mother: You are raising a human being. You are, in essence, creating a person from scratch. You are daring to make the world a better place by shaping a young mind to be curious, be smart, be kind, be loving, be adventurous, be generous, be an individual. You believe enough in yourself to impart your ideals and values onto another human being who will then go out into the world and leave his or her mark forever. And, you are forging a bond that is one of the most important things your child will ever have — the love of a mother.

And that's why it's SO WORTH IT.

When my little dude was about two months old I came up with a Motherhood Mantra to remind me that what I'm doing is so very, very important. I wrote it on a 3x5 card and put it on my nightstand so I would see it and repeat it every day. It reads:

"My child is a divine gift. Being a mother is the most important duty I have ever been given. I will care for my child with patience and joy and be grateful for the privilege of this honor."

Reading this daily helps shift my focus when I delve into despair or self-pity or just plain boredom. My child IS a gift from God. I am unbelievably blessed just to have him here, healthy and whole. Being a mother IS more important than any job I could ever hope to hold. I WILL care for my child with patience, and I WILL remind myself daily that this is a great honor bestowed upon me by my Heavenly Father.

And because I like you all so much — you stalwart mothers, future mothers, and mothers at heart — I made a little printable so you can put this by your bedside too:

Why I became a full-time mom

I never in my life wanted to be a stay-at-home mom. Beyond being repulsed by antiquated images of June Cleaver or the archetypal frazzled mom doomed to live in sensible sneakers and Mom Jeans, I never thought I had the chops. I have ambitions, I have dreams, and I plain just don't have the patience to sit at home all day while the world passes me by.

And then I had a child.

At the time, I had what was pretty close to my dream job. I was an editor for a local TV news website, the second most popular broadcast news website behind only CNN.com. I loved the work, I loved my co-workers, and the future possibilities seemed endless. Still, it seemed like the perfect mom job because it was only part-time. I worked from 3 p.m. - 7 p.m. most days, so I found a wonderful lady in the neighborhood who babysat Evan from 2:30 to 5:30, when his dad picked him up. It seemed like the perfect scenario, where I could have the best of both worlds.

And it did seem perfect for a long time. I had the bulk of the day to be home with my son, and I got to go do the working-woman thing and still be home in time for dinner. But then he grew, and his schedule and needs changed. By the time he was about 5 months old, things started getting tough. Each day became a race against the clock to get his diaper bag packed, get me ready for work, get dinner prepped, and be sure he had his two naps before going to the sitter so the rest of the night wasn't plunged into chaos. Then I had to be sure I woke him up in time to get him changed and ready to be out the door, and pray that he didn't spit up all over my work clothes and his and force use to start over again. Anyone who's been in this scenario knows just how stressful it is. If you haven't been there, just take my word for it. It's harder than it sounds.

I found myself hardly enjoying any of it when I was supposed to be enjoying all of it. And yet, I just didn't see how it was possible to quit. We needed my income, small as it was. We could barely make ends meet with it let alone without it. And I needed the sanity of those four hours away from home in the grown-up world.

I started praying for an answer: Should I quit? Should I become a stay-at-home mom? How will we have enough money? Should I find a different job, or try and change my work schedule? I could never sort out an answer or my feelings, because my logic and fear always stepped in when I should have let the Spirit take over.

The months passed, and little by little I couldn't ignore the thought that this wasn't the life we were meant to be living. It got to the point where, because he wouldn't nap at the sitter's, Evan was in bed before I even got home most days. I finally knew this was a problem when, one Saturday morning when he was about 9 months old, my husband and I brought him in bed with us to hang out and snuggle. He sat up in the bed and looked from dad, to mom, to dad, to mom and back again, just grinning from ear to ear. That's when I realized, he hardly ever sees us together. He is shuttled from parent to babysitter to parent, with so little family time on the weekends.

That's when I finally knew I had to quit. My son had two loving parents, but he needed a family.

I remember praying one weekday morning after Evan had gone down for a nap. I basically said, "OK, I believe now. I know I'm supposed to be a stay-at-home mom, but that's all I know. I can't figure out how to make this work. I will do it, but please take me the rest of the way."

I stood up, went downstairs and picked up my cell phone. I had a missed call from a work colleague in a different department, in charge of the company's freelance contributor network. And suddenly I knew how to make it work. He called about something completely different, but I called him back about a job as an at-home editor.

The rest fell into place. I quit my job as a scheduled employee and became on-call, allowing me a few days here and there to fill in and get some grown-up world sanity. I am an at-home freelance editor, able to work when Evan's asleep. My paychecks are smaller, but with the money I save by not needing to commute or hire a babysitter, it works out just about evenly. And best of all, I am home with my son.

Evan and Mommy, July 2011

I learned so many lessons from this experience, the most important of all about letting go of logic and trusting the path that the Lord has for you—and that once you finally submit to the Lord's will, everything will fall into place. I never in my life wanted to be a stay-at-home mom, but when I let go of my stubbornness, opened my eyes to the possibilities, and was willing to do what God wanted me to do, I discovered a lifestyle that was made for me. It is not easy-peasy, by any means, but it's just what I need to become the best version of me. More importantly, it's what my son and my family need.

Since becoming a full-time mom nine months ago, I have become an entirely different person. All those motherhood things I didn't think I had in me — now I know they weren't there because they were waiting to be cultivated in me. I now have so much more patience, kindness, gratitude and joy than I ever could have built on my own. I laugh every day. I ignore the clock and sit on the floor and play every day. I snuggle with my son, we read books, we snack, we explore. And we love. The only way for me to become this person was to take this path, fully and completely. I never could have imagined that this was the only way to bring out the best in me — but thankfully my Heavenly Father knew it, and He kept on pushing me until I took the leap. And I am so infinitely glad that He did.

I haven't even gotten into the ways this has changed my son and my family. That's for another post entirely. For now, let's just say that I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I am fulfilling my higher purpose. Nothing in any job or career could bring me as much satisfaction, joy, pride, fulfillment or appreciation than being a full-time mom. I repeat: NOTHING. This is what I need and what we need as a family. This is what I was created for. I am forever grateful that I took this leap of faith.